Monday, November 24, 2008

Being Predictable..and Thankful

It's more than apparent that when things are tough for me...the blogging is less than mediocre on my blog. Well, it's never anything to jump through hoops over...but the blog sure is a roller coaster ride- as is my life.

I've been being taught a very hard, hard lesson in the last few months. I think the last few months..mmm...probably August-Today have been among the toughest in my life. The one truly magical, wonderful, love-filled, irreplaceable break that I experienced was that of October 6th(ish) - October 20th(ish). The week of our wedding and honeymoon. Those weeks of family and friends, and most importantly my husband and me becoming one- just cannot be topped. Hands down, October 11th was the very.best.day.of.my.life. I became a wife. I married my Prince Charming. I married the man who caused me to stumble and fumble over my words when he walked into my office probably almost 3 years ago to the day. I was lost in him. I still get lost in him. He married me. He chose me. I knew I chose him a very long time ago, and if I'm being very honest, I lived each day wondering if he would continue to choose me. He just seemed....like he deserved more. Like he could get better. I have made mistakes. I have made plenty of mistakes in life. I have so many regrets. More regrets than the tears that fall from my eyes at this very moment. How I wish, in a way, that I could go back and do the years of 2001-2005 over. But, as I sit and think that- I'm also reminded that if I had not done the things that I did (or didn't do)- then who's to say I would end up where I am? Who's to say that Rob would have walked into my office and steal my heart that November day in 2005. I doubt, very seriously doubt, that I would have had that job in 2005- had I done things differently 2001-2005. So it's a double edged sword. I guess I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

But the truth is, I am today- where I am. Continuing to look back is not going to help me move forward. I think it's important to remember how it felt back then...and it's important to realize maybe where you should have done things differently back then- but use those memories to help you soar in the future.

I am down right now. I am stressed, I am sick to my stomach a majority of the time. I feel useless, I feel hopeless, I feel like a failure to my husband. I feel like a failure to myself. He has worked so very hard- harder than I can even put into words, to get where he is in life. To provide the kind of life that he has for him and his life partner. But he has me with my arms and legs wrapped around his leg- like a 2 year old does to their daddy. Keeping us from running forward into life. I'm holding him back. I'm holding us back. There is so much remorse I have. So much guilt. So much frustration with myself. But where is that getting us? Drowning in my thoughts isn't moving forward is it? No, Amy, it requires action. You have to have actions to make a difference.

So yes, times are hard for me right now. And that radiates to the people I love most. How I yearn to be in a better place. In days that I smile more, and cry less. In days where I am at least content with the job I am doing each day.

Even though times are tough, and my emotions are tougher...I absolutely cannot forget that this week is Thanksgiving. And I do have more than enough to be thankful for.

I have an amazing family. A mother who cares for me so deep. A mother that loves me with a love that I will not be able to understand until I have a child of my own. A mother who understands me and loves me regardless. I have a dad who is the most unselfish person I have ever met. He is there regardless. So kind, so gently, so giving. There just aren't many people like my dad. I love him so very much. And my sister. A sister who makes me laugh. Who brings out those hidden child like tendencies in us all. A sister who loves me and looks up to me. A sister who I admire as well.

I have a husband that...I am truly at a loss for words. He loves me. He encourages me. He is the arms that hold me when I just don't know what to do. He is the one who tells me that it WILL be ok. He provides for us, what we need. He always likes to help. He makes me laugh. Oh does he make me laugh. He loves to be silly with me. He is the man of my dreams and he is mine forever.

I have 2 doggies that make me smile each and every day. The love their parents, and they really do bring so much joy (and torn up toys) to this house. If we are gone for 2 minutes or 8 hours- they are just as happy to see us when we return. I love these dogs.

I have a house, a car, a bed, and belongings that I love. That I treasure.

I am making memories and for that I am thankful.

My family and my husband and myself- we all have our health. In a world where there are so many diseases and illnesses that affect people daily- we have our health. Oh how thankful I am for that.

I am thankful that God is in control. That I really do need to give all of this to him, and understand that I am not alone.

I am thankful for my friends. The friends who check on me to make sure I'm staying afloat =). Just an email, or text or phone call- they care.

I do have so many things to be thankful for this season. I truly am blessed. I may be in a valley right now...but the only reason there are valley's is because there are hills as well. I'm in the valley...but the hill is coming.

I hope all of you take a minute and realize all of the things in your life that truly bless you. I hope each of you have a wonderful, short workweek- and enjoy spending time with those that you love this upcoming holiday!

Until next time....

5 talker(s):

happy gram said...

it's mostly in the valleys that we grow the most - and in our WEAKNESES He is made perfect in us (or something like that :) from The Bible! love you and yes, "mama said there'd be days like this there'd be days like this my mama said...doo dah" :) jan

mrsmiller2007 said...

You really did inspire me today, I love reading this so much and really made me think about all the wonerful things in my life, like you, I'm also in a valley but I know that you'll come up out of yours and I'll come up out of mine too. We just have to keep praying and believing. Have a very happy Thanksgiving. You have touched me today, thank you.

Mc Allen said...

it is totally natural to feel dispair at certain times in our life. after my wedding I remember a huge feeling of depression setting in, I had been warned about it so I knew what to expect. I dont know if thats whats happening with you, but it sounds like it might be. Our weddings take months to plan, but its a day that we have thought about for years,and when its over if feels like theres not anything to look foreward to,or nothing to top it, but you have so many Mountain Top's to see. It sounds like your very much in love, and you have a wonderfl life. Thank you for sharing , and I promise, soon you will be soaring again!! Hugs, Leah

Trisha said...

I'm just getting around to reading and catching up!

I think that you should e-mail me and we can "chat" about things that you're going through. LORD knows I need someone to "chat" with in these rough times too....so we should be in "our funk" together and chat.

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time right now, but I really want to be here for you!

I hope it gets better SOON!!!!

Ricardo and Lauren said...

Sorry you are going thru a rough time right now. Things will get better, and it's in times like this that you must rely on the Lord and lean on Him to get you through it. That's the only way I have been able to go on these past few years. God doesn't put you thru anything you can't handle if you lean on Him.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!