Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hope is necessary...

Hope: Anxious Expectation.

Anxious Expectation is needed in every circumstance.

Read that again. The first line is the definition of hope. Anxious Expectation is needed in every single circumstance. Positive things, negative things, highs and lows- you must have hope. I am not sure why I have this false sense of "owed happiness". It has happened to me once before while in high school. Well once before that I can specifically remember being knocked on my knees. I felt that because I had been accepted to College, and knew what I would major in- and had a few of my years "planned out" to what I wanted, then I was guaranteed them. Well- 2 of my friends passed away my senior year of high school and those 2 friends has their lives "planned out" as well. It rocked me. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. No matter where you are in your life, no matter what you think next week, next month, next year hold in store- NOTHING is guaranteed or promised. That incident with my friends was a rite of passage for me. I was a changed person for a very long time, and lived each day to it's fullest.

Then I became comfortable again. I took life and love for granted. I met the man of my dreams, built a house, got engaged, planned a wedding- got laid off...wait What??? Got laid off??? But this isn't in MY plans. This is supposed to happen to ME. I have a plan for the next few months. I know how these months are supposed to go, so why is this wrench being thrown in??? Pick up a load of stress and move on. Land another job...get married...have a glorious honeymoon, come home, begin newlywed life and 2 weeks later get laid off again. WHAT??? Are you kidding me??? What am I missing here, what am I not doing right? I feel like a failure in all areas. I didn't have a job, nor a degree, put our entire life on my brand new husbands shoulders..and felt worthless. After much thinking and praying and as much planning as we could do- we decided it was time for me to go back to school. I landed upon a wonderful opportunity to nanny during the day and attend class at night. The family that I nanny for is amazing, and they are truly as grateful for me as I am for them.

Class is going well...making great grades...planning out the next couple of years of our lives and then Rob is blind sided with a layoff. WHAT??? Wait...no....this wasn't in our plans. We didn't sign up for this one. And we are rocked again. We are to lean on each other and lean on Him to provide for us and make a way. I'm tired of using prayer as my spare tire. It needs to be my steering wheel. I have prayed more these last 3 or 4 days than I have in a very long time. So why does God owe me anything?? I have been blessed with an amazing family, a loving, intelligent husband, and my wonderful health. Why I feel that we shouldn't have to struggle is not a good feeling.

So I hold onto hope right now. Hope and Truth. Hope with an anxious expectation of what is to come. An anxious expectation of where we will go together. Where this life will lead us, and the plans He has in store for our life and our future family. I hope with anxious expectation that I will begin to grip life with full force and not become comfortable. That I will live all that I can live and love with all of my heart.

Things are tough, yes. Was our world turned upside down??? I think so, yes and I'm glad my husband brings me back to reality with the situation. Do I KNOW that this will work out for the better, YES. But it still makes it difficult for the mean time.

This is life, and it is full of hope.

1 talker(s):

Christine said...

crazy thing - i just read a great passage in my devotional like 2 days ago titled "Are you not worth much more than they." read Matthew 6:26 and hopefully it helps you believe how much God loves you and will provide for you, just as he does for the birds (do i sound crazy, but i had to share, if i am overwhelming you, tell me to shut up and eat rolo cookies -yes i still have that recipe you gave me